Angels come back from a 5-0 deficit to stun the Giants.

respect the monkey.

doc searls

musical half hour that parodies things through hip hop songs. scratch and burn. it was funny as hell.

is hell funny?

hell yeah.

i mean, no. if im totally partying it up in heaven, sliding down the hot fudge sundae mountains, manning the info booth at the blowjob convention, or coming back from the tsar show, i’m not going to want to be reminded that theres a hell where people are sufferring and being tortured and are only given pepsi.

mr. know it all came over with simone and meesh last night.

the ladies drank imported beers.

mr. know it all asked for a pepper.

who knew he was a pepper?

im a pepper.

karisas a pepper.

jeanine turned me into a pepper.

i got the dr. pepper catalogue from the dr. pepper museum store. they have a salt and pepper shaker set. the salt says, in the familiar dr. pepper font, “i’m a salt” and the pepper says “i’m a pepper”.

pretty awesome.

after mtv, i saw the last few minutes of ty willingham leading the fighting irish to their unbeaten start, 8-0.

one thing i like about metafilter, i’m always right on it.

ive had my ups and downs with metafilter. the people are really smart. sometimes theyre dumb. mostly theyre smart.

very difficult judges of things.

over analysts.

but sometimes its good to have that sort of brain trust. people who dont care what you think or how you feel.

metafilter isnt about feelings.

its about the truth.

truth hurts sometimes, superheroes.

now the kelly clarkson diary is on.

you think you know…

during the commercial break i realize i have been writing in my blog and somewhere in it it says:

all day long we bullshit each other and try to make life all about slow pitch softball and ease.

i’m a pepper.

salon is trading at five cents

sun computers is three bucks.

when i was your age it was $125.

mr. know it all

for some reason that makes me think that i should listen to her when she tells me to do something.

she told me to try googlism, so i did, and these are the results. i like the last ones and the allegedly incomplete ones the best.

Googlism for: tony pierce

tony pierce is a better writer than you

tony pierce is the reason

tony pierce is on a mission across america

tony pierce is

tony pierce is auctioning off a link from his blog to yours

tony pierce is up in arms because “the voices of dissent” aren’t getting “proper coverage” by the warbloggers

tony pierce is asking for perma

tony pierce is brilliant and great and constantly makes me sick with the sheer hotness of his ex

tony pierce is raising money for his own blog

tony pierce is america’s greatest living poet

tony pierce is back

tony pierce is presently the main technical and business lead for microsoft in the pci and acpi areas

tony pierce is a pretty deep guy

tony pierce is the reason i started reading blogs

tony pierce is raising money every month for his site so why cant we all panhandle a bit huh? this chick has gotten over 5 grand

tony pierce is appointed to the position

tony pierce is divulging his secrets

tony pierce is selling links from his blog on ebay

tony pierce is dogpiling the strangers

tony pierce is the new strategic director at forest heath district council

tony pierce is awesome

tony pierce is to baseball

tony pierce is back from vacation and has resumed blogging again

tony pierce is duly linked

tony pierce is my idol

tony pierce is a blogging star

tony pierce is selling link privileges to his blog on ebay

tony pierce is my hero

tony pierce is entirely the reason i started blogging

tony pierce is calling for hits

tony pierce is up to

tony pierce is a guy with a crush on anna kournikova

tony pierce is always entertaining

tony pierce is fscking mad

tony pierce is starting to oddly reference my childhood lately

tony pierce is totally frickin’ awesome

tony pierce is not at all political

tony pierce is threatening to make one final stop on the bus blog

tony pierce is doing

tony pierce is auctioning off a chance to be

superfine

Ruthless Records, 1988

Express Yourself

(Ice Cube)

[Dr. Dre]

Yo man there’s a lot of brothers out there

flakin and perpetratin but scared to kick reality

[Ice Cube]

Man, you been doin all this dope producin

You ain’t had a chance to show ’em what time it is

[Dr. Dre]

So what you want me to do?

{Express yourself!}

[Dr. Dre]

I’m expressin with my full capabilities

And now I’m livin in correctional facilities

Cause some don’t agree with how I do this

I get straight and meditate like a Buddhist

I’m droppin flava, my behaviour is hereditary

But my technique is very necessary

Blame it on Ice Cube; because he said it gets funky

when you got a subject and a predicate

Add it on a dope beat; and it’ll make you think

Some suckers just tickle me pink – to my stomach

Cause they don’t flow like this one

You know what? I won’t hesitate to diss one

or two before I’m through, so don’t try to sing this

Some drop science; while I’m droppin english

Even if Yella, makes it a-capella

I still express, yo, I don’t smoke weed or sess

Cause it’s known to give a brother brain damage

And brain damage on the mic don’t manage – NUTHIN

but makin a sucka and you equal

Don’t be another sequel.. {Express yourself!}

{Express yourself!}

{Go on and do it..}

{Express yourself!}

{Express yourself!}

{Go on and do it..}

[Dr. Dre]

Now, gettin back to the PG

That’s program, and it’s easy

Dre is back, new jacks are made hollow

Expressin ain’t their subject because they like to follow

the words, the style, the trend; the records I spin

Again and again and again – yo, you’re on the other end

Whatch a brother playin dope rhymes, with no help

There’s no fessin or guessin while I’m expressin myself

It’s crazy to see people be

what society wants them to be, but not me

RUTHLESS, is the way to go, they know

Others say rhymes which fail to be original

or they kill where the hip-hop starts

Forget about the ghetto, and rap for the pop charts

Some musicians cuss at home

But scared to use profanity when upon the microphone

Yeah, they want reality, but you will hear none

They’d rather exaggerate a little fiction

Some say no to drugs, and take a stand

But after the show, they go lookin for the “Dopeman”

Or they ban my group from the radio

Hear N.W.A. and say, “Hell no!”

But you know it ain’t all about wealth

As long as you make a note to.. {Express yourself!}

{Express yourself!}

{Go on and do it..}

{Express yourself!}

{Express yourself!}

{Go on and do it..}

[Dr. Dre]

{Express yourself!} .. from the heart

cause if you wanna start to move up the chart

then expression is a big part of it

You ain’t efficient when you flow, you ain’t swift

Movin like a tortoise, full of rigor mortis

There’s a little bit more to show

I got rhymes in my mind, embedded like an embryo

or a lesson – all of ’em expression

And if you start fessin, I got a Smith and Wessun for ya

I might ignore your record because it has no bottom

I get loose in the summer winter spring and autumn

It’s Dre on the mic, gettin physical

Doin’ the job, N.W.A is the lynch mob!

Yes I’ma climb, but you know you need this

And the knowledge is growin just like a fetus

or a tumor, but here is the rumor

Dre is in the neighborhood and he’s up to no good

When I start expressin myself, Yella, slam it

Cause if I stay funky like this I’m doin damage

Or I’ma be too hyped, and need a straight jacket

I got knowledge, and other suckers lack it

So, when you see Dre, a DJ on the mic

Ask what it’s like – it’s like we’re gettin hyped tonight

Cause if I strike, it ain’t for your good health

But I won’t strike if you just.. {Express yourself!}

riley dog

little fucks.

when i was your age i was beating off to nude madonna pics in playboy.

easiest thing in the world to do is fuck up someone else’s shit. didnt you learn that last year?

and wheres the glory?

Ev at blogger wrote software and got servers so that people from anywhere in the world could write whatever bullshit they want to write and do it for free and you want to throw a wrench into that? do you even know what a wrench is?

lets say you kids are thinking ahead and this was really all about stealing usernames and passwords of the 750,000 users’s ftp passwords.

what would be the point to that?

so you can say you did it? like climbing mt. fuckyou?

how about asking out the hottest chick in school?

how about kissing the hottest chick in school?

how about learning how to play guitar?

how about fingering the hottest chick in school?

the youth of today has lost its priorities and i get it that hackers arent interested in the money or the fame, but the power, so i will tell you this, when i was a lad there was no one more popular and powerful and envied than the dude with the coolest girlfriend or the kid who could shred the guitar the best.

name all the most famous hackers in the world and none of them can hold a candle to kid rock’s middle finger.

so congratulations big shots. today is your day. you brought down a house of cards. one of the easiest targets on the web. perhaps the easiest.

you affected the blogs of nearly a million people. pardon me while i yawn.

thats like hijacking the truck that delivers the ballons for all the squirt-the-water-in-the-clown’s-mouth carnival games.

somehow i think life will go on.

see, bloggers will go and do something else when their hobby is disrupted. it really isnt a big deal to us. despite the slams, most of us do have lives to lead.

and people who look at blogs will either go back to work or sex or play or if theyre bored they’ll pull up solitaire on their laptops.

you, you will just have your pimples, and your bad incubus mp3s and your pr0n and a little voice inside of your head thats right this time, when it says, you really are the pathetic loser that everyone has always said you are. you will never get laid. you will never be anything. you are nothing. you are boring. you’re a bully. youre sniper in a trunk of a caprice with a pointy little thing aimed at innocents. .

it’s been done before. it’ll be done again, better and more creatively. you’ve used your skills for juniorhighevil

you’re a tool.

you’re a fool

and your fingers smell of ass.

repent, read science blog

think the 720 bus driver isnt going to notice when i flash her the Sept. pass? think i’m not going to freeze in my tracks? think she’s gonna just let me on when i say, “i must have picked up the wrong wallet?”

who has two wallets in their house that look exactly the same? black, thin, and mostly empty? who has a demon in their arm making them do all the wrong things and preventing them from the much loved photo essays? pbs emailed me the other day to consider me for a peice on blogging. wouldnt it a been nice to have a new photo essay all ready for them? maybe something about the rally monkey? or about the dc sniper. or about kissing?

i really do have a million ideas that i aint even rocked yet, arm demon, and i will rock them even if i have to carve you out of me like a scoop of icecream.

nice man emailed me from paris. how many emails you get from paris that say that you make them laugh every day? people dont write arm demons many emails i suppose, maybe it’s because you use your powers for the wrong purposes.

anyway i’ll be fine wallet-less today, evil curse, i always have lots of change in my bag for bus fare home, and i have a half a burrito in the fridge and water and water and water, so f you, as soon as i go home im gonna put the old wallet in a remote location and i will dance around my mansion as i tidy it because i think meesh is going to come over before she moves away to the rocky mountains.

it’s nine thirty am. how can blogger be down? worse, how can pro blogger be down? demon, you know anything about this?

denial of service.

best metal band album name of the day, people. they still have metal bands any more?

thank you houston, this next one is from our new album, denial of service-ah…

like i said in my comments, im gonna be the dude from the white stripes for halloween.

dont nobody copy me.

skywriting

dirty fez

first thing she said when she came over was so ashley really had that candy trail to your bedroom? and pointed to the floor.

i said of course.

she said you cant say of course when your blog says nothing in there is true.

she took a piece of candy and unwrapped it and looked at me when she put it in her mouth.

ive never understood jealousy. ive never been jealous. ive only wanted girls who have me on the top of their list. if someone else is on the top of their list, they should be with that person. anna doesnt get jealous.

she gets even.

why havent you eaten her candy, she said, and opened up another one. it was a mr. goodbar.

ive had some candy, i told her.

she didnt take it out of its little wrapper. she unpeeled it like a little banana.

put her tounge on it then without moving her head shot her attention toward me and put the tip in her mouth.

i stood there holding the mail in my hands.

people who know me know that when a girl is really gorgeous or doing something outrageous i do my best to look away because i can just find myself staring if i dont catch myself.

anna has a way of knocking down my defenses.

plus she wanted me to look. she loves it when i look.

she put the whole thing in her mouth.

then took it out.

it glimmered in the christmas lights that twinkled on the walls.

then she put it back in her mouth.

i have a lot of candy here, i told her.

i have a lot of time, she said.

and thats why i missed the softball game last night, coach.

i swear.

the sexy girl sitting on my lap says its carpal but i say its the devil and im never wrong about my body.

fucker creeps all around me, in the neck, down the back, pokes through my legs, made me cut myself shaving, thins my hair, steals my memories, eats my dreams, whispers evil anthems of dirty lies when i least expect it and never stops but ive got your number buster and this body ain’t big enough for the both of us.

limped out of the black copter today, this is the second day a row they let me up in her.

i wanted to tell you about it yesterday but i was busy not playing xbi softball.

this birds different than my flying car. my first year at school in isla vista i was dating two girls. one was on the womens lacrosse team. chicks with sticks. polo shirt and plaid skirt. little white dirty socks and new balances.

the other girl was a girl. sweet. high voice. squeaky even. cute as hell. smelled so good.

the black bird and my flying car are like those two girls. ones soft the others smooth. ones hard the others light.

when one got excited she attacked, the other would take it down and submit.

this invisible black eyeball in the sky is aggressive and willing and nasty and nice.

it knew my name before i knew hers, turn it on and its not afraid to purr.

it goes so fast and turns so sharp you think it wants to die it wants to die it wants to kill right before it dies.

because of that theres a team on the ground that rides with you at the hq and theres a computer that projects on the windshield.

chopper one is definitely the finest single man flying machine ever dreamed up on stage or screen and somehow they consider this a demotion.

they put contact lenses on you. drc. direct retina control.

if i had dreams, this is what i would want to dream about.

only thing it doesn’t have is a cd player.

hq will pump in whatever tunes you want but sometimes you just want your little mix cds right there with you.

did a few hours in the sky above the clouds. messed around over silverlake. buzzed over my old place in atwater. did a fast land in koreatown and took the 21 to wilshire and western which dropped me off at the wiltern. it was six pm. the young lesbians were lined up already for the ani defranco show. nothing cuter than happy young lesbians about to see a concert.

crossed the street to get on the subway and i wrote ani’s name on the plum sized bulge in my arm that pretends it’s not the devil.

that way i knew what i would ask hq to play for me tomorrow when i fly that bitch along the beach.

my next girlfriend: katherine hall

October, 23, 2002

Wiltern Theatre, Hollywood, CA

reviewed by anna

oh tony. he was so good. he was unbelievable. and so romantic in a tragic-like way…

enrique was holding my hand through certain songs. you really couldn’t help yourself.

played a lot of songs from his first and second records which was great. not too much from the new record which was fine by all of us in crowd.

smoked like a fiend. would smoke. spit the cigarette out. jam. and then pick up the cigarette and continue smoking. really funny.

he had a persian rug in the center of the stage with a record player on one side and a little coffee table on the other side with a nice wooden chair in the middle that he played acoustic guitar from.

he plugged in and rocked for a few songs and had these two woman that backed him up occasionally on vocals .. and played cello and violin. heartbreakingly beautiful for some of the songs.

did the most breathtaking, slowed down sexy version of brown sugar i’ve ever heard … on the piano. women were swooning and men were even shouting to him.

the audience was surprisingly quiet and let him fill the space with his voice. a few rowdy women would shout in the quiet “You Rock Ryan”! “I love you Ryan” and then people of course shouting back to shut the F*** up. stupid. but, otherwise total silence to allow him to sing his sad, beautiful songs.

we sat up in the mezzanine which is a tough call for a show like this because the sound didn’t travel too well up there. so some of his mumblings we didn’t catch. but the bottom was all open so you don’t really want to stand for a show like this…

he also play Madonna’s Like a Virgin and played along with the record, mostly mocking it.

but we were blown away.

🙂

still miss whiskeytown. but i’d rather have any part of ryan adams i can get than none at all.

now you listen to me little missy

I am sorry to read that you received grumpy mail. I think your response to the mean guy’s mail was powerful, fair-minded, and generally typo-free.

Jealousy is a bitter, twisted thing. I should know. People are jealous of me all the time. They just don’t know it yet. No, really.

I’d like to invite you to a celebration, a celebration of the 100th visitor to my site.

Your blog is in inspiration, one of the main reasons I started my own blog some seven years ago.

In my league of heroes you are right up there with Doug Henning and Ivan Putski. That’s rare company, my bro.

Please come visit utterwonder.com and leave a favorite memory or monetary gift.

Keep up the good work!

Your friend and fan,

c monks

dear c,

your words mean a lot to me.

i cannot believe that in seven years on the web you’ve only gotten 100 hits.

i appreciate the high place of honor that you put me into between mr. henning and mr. putski (pictured.)

you’ve also sparked an idea that i think i will start doing from now on, and that is to link one person after or during each new post.

i love being linked, im sure everyone feels the same way.

anyhow, give my best to the missus, and i hope this thursday is a good one for you.

best regards,

tony