when i wake up in the morning i have a million ideas


same goes for when im riding the bus home.

but then i get in front of the computer and i begin to write to you and all my great ideas are thrown right out of the window.

this morning i was going to go through a run-down of the new jersey nets and let you know about the mad skills of jason kidd, the crazy underreported talents of Keith Van Horn, the sweet young hops of kenyon martin, and the magnificent defensive prowess of kerry kittles.

laura palmeri was going to tell you that you shouldnt be surprised if big gangly todd macculoch blocked a few of kobe’s drives to the lane tonight even though todd looks like a giraffe wearing rolling skates most of the time.

but then i flipped on the local news and they were showing a junior high in east LA and all the kids were holding a huge sign across the football field that said “go lakers” and i realised the futility of my public service.

they stuck a microphone in the sweet little face of a 13 year old girl wearing a kobe jersey and a bow in her hair and they asked her why she thought that the lakers would win and with an angelic smile she casually said, “because the nets suck.”

all my years of schooling and i couldnt have said it better myself.

indeed rosa martinez, the nets do suck.

they suck because they dont have shaq, they dont have kobe, they dont have phil, they dont have tex, they dont have staples center, they dont have two rings, they dont have the laker girls, they dont have jack, they dont have chick.

they dont have shit.

and they dont have you, rosa,

and they’ll never have me.

fuck them.

f the nets, f byron scott for even bringing his team over here, f the freaky looking nets, and f marv albert for getting away with wearing womens lingerie and being able to bite ladies in the back and only have to take a year off work and then be able to come back to broadcast this, the world series of basketball, and make more money in one night than i’ll make all year.

for saying “yes!”


this series is going to be a great one because in my opinion Shaq gets very little respect. and this will be the finals where everyone will finally have to give it up to him.

byron scott, the nets coach is a former laker point guard from the Showtime era of Magic, Cooper, Worthy and Kareem.

he knows the way to stop the lakers is to run shaq into the ground and theres no better fast-break general than jason kidd who can push the ball, stop, pop, or pass.

give to the lakers what is the lakers.

and the lakers, before they got the big fella, were flash. flash in a way that shaq dresses off the court.

on the court, the way for the lakers to win is with muscle.

derek fisher may have shown up a tad in gave seven in sacto, but im not counting on him.

and kobe doesnt seem like hes wanting to take over a game the way that jason kidd feels responsible to.

and since shaq somehow can sink these free throws, the lakers have no other choice than to ride his coattails to a three peat.

still, rosa, it is fun to say that the nets suck in public isnt it?

but, for me, its funner to say fuck.

fuck the nets.

fuck em.

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