you rang?

me? no.

oh, thought you did.

no, wrong tony.

youre the one who’s teenage princess doesnt want you any more, right?

temporarilly.

wow, youre really in denial and youre not even drunk yet.

just trying to stay positive.

haha. yeah, good luck on that one.

its not easy. but im a libra. we bounce back pretty fast.

let me ask you this, what would your hero do?

Jesus? probably pray. then do the math, that theres 3 million people in LA, half are women, half are the right age, half of them are hot. half of them are available.

so like 125,000 single hot babes in LA?

not counting orange county.

yeah, you probably shouldnt count that county, since now theres one more available babe there.

are you trying to make me depressed?

who, us? depressants? what about your other hero, charles bukowski, what would he do?

drink.

he would, wouldnt he?

then maybe go to a three dolla ho.

didnt he always seem happy?

in a drunken bum loser homeless man way, yes.

and isnt there a lesson there for you?

yeah, kill yr idols.

she doesnt want you anymore.

most girls dont.

she’d rather get sloppy with a teenboy.

finally she listened to me.

theres no hot chicks in LA who want you.

none?

you tell me, when was the last time you got any?

this weekend.

liar.

i shit you not.

a fluke, im sure.

arent they all?

dont you want some rum?

yes, please.

dont you want some sticky green bud?

definatley.

how about some x?

no fun doing x without someone you can kiss.

how about some pain killers?

they make me dizzy.

how about a nice cold frosty one at a strip bar?

i have to save up for aruba.

taking a hot chick?

i was gonna suprise ashley.

nuh huh.

yeah.

god, that sucks.

yeah.

so what are you gonna do?

im gonna ask this sweet girl at work for her number.

but youre having terrible luck, she wont give it to you.

50-50 chance.

how do you figure?

she’ll either say yes or no.

no, she might not like guys, she might not like black guys, she might not like you, she might be taken, she might have aids, she might like guys with cars, she might…

50-50 chance. plus she smiles at me in the halls. 75% chance.

if she says no wont you be crushed?

listen, nothing is worse than someone who really really really knows you rejecting you. if someone who doesnt know you rejects you, theyre just rejecting the outside part, the facade, my facade isnt all that impressive.

well, we’ll be here if things dont work out.

thanks, drugs and alcohol. you do smell good. what is that?

armeretto.

i love armeretto.

and humbolt purple haired chronic.

wow, you must be expensive.

didnt you say yesterday you found $60 in a book?

yeah.

thats how much a bag costs.

when did you get so expensive?

you call that expensive, that’s like a month’s worth. $60 is like a couple round of drinks at a bar.

and no hangover.

and you must want to smoke something since you are kicking the habit and all.

trading one addiction for another, nah, no thanks.

you really are a boring ass midwestern christian boy, arent you?

i guess so. never thought of that.

ok, well good luck with the sweet nice girl.

thanks devil water and narcotics!

we love you, by the way.

you do?

yes, very very very very much.

youre so sweet.

yeah. k, bye.

she called to tell me that she had a good time in vegas, she met a boy, she kissed him, he kissed her back, he needed a ride to anaheim for a big shindig his church group was putting on, he plays guitar, hes her age, he knows some of her best friends…

and the rendevous that she planned with me that could have happened yesterday, but was ixnayed, and that could have happened tonight now has a relatively low percentage of happening.

am i bummed out?

yes.

am i surpised?

no.

ashley is a wonderful girl who has a lot more to offer than just a smile that will light up a room. we’ve been super close for going on a year and a half now and she was there when i needed her the most.

shes got terrific friends, great sisters, and an energy that is unmatched.

she has never failed to make me feel incredibly special and super lucky. to her, our age difference was never an issue. even though she says that she never thought that she would ever date a centenarian, she says that i am the exception to pretty much all rules.

i will miss her a great deal.

next to me, not one person has been mentioned or featured on this blog or on my site more than she. regardless of what anyone says about their being more of her on here or less, without her and without her influence on me, this whole thing would be quite different, and i cant say it would be better.

i wish her the best of luck with her man.

in other news, i found $60 in a book this morning.

if this were isla vista, i’d buy a keg.

maybe i’ll buy one anyway.

until the “laser” is pointed at them.

i can understand that.

im a huge George Carlin fan. I think he’s brilliant. But i wince whenever he attacks religion, especially Christianity.

But if i stood up at his concert and started yelling at him when he made those cracks, i’d look like an imbecile.

Perhaps I should say, i’d look like *more* of an imbecile, because his act, just like this blog, is a means for one man to express himself in public for the entertainment of a crowd.

Nothing will be accomplished on this page, trust me, no matter how long i continue to keep this thing afloat.

Just like no lives have been changed at The Laugh Factory, i seriously doubt that any beliefs, attitudes, or habits will be changed from reading my unlearned diatribes.

at best, i get flowed some greenbacks, or perhaps a young girl will want to do me.

c’est la vie.

I talk out of my ass and i do it better than most of the jackholes who get paid to do it on fishwrap across the country which is why a few of you are here.

check the facts? what facts? the facts are i have opinions, i state them during the 15 minute breaks that the government requires all workers to have, then i go back to my fascinating life of grading jewels here in my rodeo drive diamond shop.

i hardly doubt that any serious lawmakers even pay much attention to intelligent ideas that are formulated on this information bathroom wall that we call the web.

and why should they?

we continue to vote for these charlatans.

best thing i ever did was vote for Nader. not because it sent a message to anyone, but just like quitting smoking, it got me out of the habit of following the status quo of punching the hole that Tom Brokaw and all the other rich white men talk about on my beloved television. for a brief moment i thought for myself and said, Bush is a fucking idiot and Gore? fuck him too.

and then i thought about sex and then i remembered why i was there and then i punched the hole that said Nader.

and i was free.

the comments section of this blog are here for the readers to tell me how amazing i am, and for them to ask qualifying questions. it really isnt there for people to disagree with me or for others to spout off their points of view. do that on your own boring blogs.

but, i am a proud American. i was born in washington d.c. for pete sake. and even though Voltaire was a terrible french commie non-believer, he did say something that i agree with, something along the lines of “i disagree with what you say, but i will defend to the death your right to say it.”

which is why i rarely ban people from leaving whatever comment they choose to leave.

something the FCC doesn’t have the guts to do. which is why they suck, and why i disagree with the conservatives who support them. i think people can read something that they disagree with, or find ugly, or find offensive, or ugly, or stupid, or retarded or whatever, and not be scarred.

as someone who likes to write things down, i believe that words have a tad bit of power, but only if the reader wants there to be power there.

dumbshits will never have power, which is why our president is getting his ass handed to him by enemies foreign and domestic.

and since my break is about over, i will close by saying that the only way that i will ban people from leaving comments is if they either reveal personal information of someone who would not like that made public, or if they continue to be totally ridiculous.

more ridiculous, that is, than me.

for just like in many arenas, in that one, i too am king.

and im always happy when i can fulfill a request.

last night me and jeanine went over to my old college roommate’s beautiful home in venice to celebrate his 25th birthday.

one of the party-goers brought a couple of bottles of Absinthe of which i had a shot to see what all the who-ha was about.

from what i remember, the drink was a favorite among famous artists and writers from Hemingway to Van Gogh and even thought both of those giants ended up a wee bit insane, what a better price for art, so i put the sugar on the spoon, dipped it into the elixir, set it aflame and let it drip into the glass and toasted the birthday boy and his lovely wife.

tasted like Vicks 44.

jeanine helped finish off the blue bottle, which was quite popular at the bash and i understood that although it is not available in america, it is for sale in the Czech Republic. so, if any of my good friends from that region of this planet would be nice enough to send me a bottle or two, please email me and i will be happy to pay for the mysterious drink as well as postage, etc.

last night, unfortunately, i found myself being jeanine’s designated driver.

although i did hope that my one shot would bring me the vivid dreams that all the websites promised, but alas, just like every other night, i experienced no dreams.

it could be because i am a smoker.

i don’t smoke very much. a few puffs each day. but that habit has strangely influenced my nocturnal visualizations and despite popular believe, i do not dream, something that is quite fine with me.

however, recently i have read some blogs of people who i admire and empathize with who also have habits that they are trying — some quite successfully — to kick in the name of their own health.

i have great admiration for these people as will power is something that each of us struggle with.

and because of their courage, specifically their openness to discuss their issues publicly via their blogs, i will join them in my dirtiest habit, that of smoking.

and as of today, i will quit for a month, my stupid little puffs, that really do nothing for me a this point, but it is something that ive done for over 6 years, and it is something that makes me quite angry whenever i am without.

solidarity, brothers and sisters!

today which was the last day of the run. its been here all summer. we’re slackers.

when we finally found the place the line was forever and instead of standing in it we just decided to go to Philippes and have some french dipped sandwiches but on the way there we drove through chinatown and changed our minds again and decided on chinese. this is what its like to hang out with me.

i love chris so much, it’s good to have her back, she was away in europe for the last two weeks. it’s hard not to think of her as a soul mate because we are so comfortable together and we hold hands and we hardly get mad at each other and she was apologizing for us not getting to see warhol and i was all, ive forgotten all about it, and she said we could stand in line i wouldnt mind, and i said, its forgotten.

so we parked and walked through chinatown looking for the perfect new hole in the wall discovery of a lifetime and ran into Foo Chow, the restaurant that was in the Jackie Chan film “Rush Hour”. Because im a freak i cannot resist such a touristy opportunity so we ate there. it was terrible, naturally. the spicy dishes were not spicy. the rice was bad. the coke was pepsi. chris liked the chow mein, but i didnt, and as is normal to chinese restaurants, the service was horrible and we had to ask twice for water and i wont even mention the fact that the egg rolls showed up a good twenty minutes after the entrees.

i did have a great fortune cookie that said, “dont talk about what you will accomplish, it will delay your progress.”

still it was great to have lunch with my very special friend who has lost about 20 pounds over the last few months and was looking super good in these tight pants and designer shirt and we told each other that we loved each other a lot and we told los angeles that we loved it and when we got back to my house we had two things that we could do: we could take a little nap, or we could do my laundry and then go to my college roommate Chris’s birthday party out in venice.

we decided to nap.

i couldnt nap cuz i napped yesterday all day.

shes in there napping now and im writing you.

hi.

i do have a question for all of you out there. its my moms birthday next month and my sister has arranged lodging in Aruba! from the 22nd to the 29th of September, but tickets seem to be going for $650 R/T from here (LA) to Aruba.

im thinking i would be willing to leave the night of the 19th or on the 20th or on the 21st and spend a few days in Miami if i could find some sort of LA > Miami > Aruba > LA ticket for $300 ish.

Any of you travel-savvy busblog readers know anything about this? Chris flew from here to Amsterdam for $300 R/T, why would it cost me double that just to get to mexico?

anyhow, if you have a sweet hookup that you wish to share with me, you can email me or leave word in the comments box. Gracias, amigos!

the name is keiko, tony.

wow, a real life movie star!

tony, you gotta stop talking about politics. nobody wants to hear it, nobody wants to hear it from you, and you’re getting bad advice from your readers.

no such thing as bad advice from readers, willy.

those are people who found your site from layne or welch or doc or instapundit and they love how you talk about politics because you write about it in a different way. once they find out that you really don’t know what you’re talking about or mean what you say, they’ll click over to the next joker.

but… but…

but nothing. plus they’re just looking for a strong liberal voice to build up and then knock down. don’t fall for it.

aw shit. i never thought of that.

and anyway, who the hell cares? only reason people become interested in politics is to make them feel better about not getting any.

yeah, but im not getting any.

when was the last time you got some?

i don’t know, month ago?

and then what about before that?

well, a few days before that. its hard to remember. it was a big blur.

see, okay, see, that’s what im talking about. right there! forget the red herring of politics, write about the sweet lovin that flows your direction.

you just wanted to say herring.

if robert novak or drudge or limbaugh or any of these blowhards actually got any…

blow holes, don’t you mean, willy.

if any of them got any of the tang that you turn away, trust me, they wouldn’t be writing about the fucking sudan.

whats up with the sudan?

exactly.

but wait, layne and welch write about politics and they have two super hot wives. the rallyingpoint too!

how many posts do you see welch layne or rp, write lately?

not many.

case closed.

willy, for a whale you sure know a lot.

yeah, fuck the dolphins. they aint got shit on me. see Farrakhan speak yesterday?

i did! that guy really can deliver a speech.

totally. sorta freaks me out a little.

i know what you mean, what he says is so rhythmic and smooth and makes sense and he says it with a smile and a laugh at every line.

yes! and no teleprompter, no notes, just busting! did you hear when he said that he just turned 70 years old!

i nearly dropped my hookah.

maybe there is something to be said about islam.

i just wish that he hadn’t said all those bad things about Jews and i wish he would get off this kick that the white man owes african americans anything.

you don’t have to tell me, tony. im half black and half white.

why do all the great black leaders and speakers have to be crazy criminals? jesse, don king, minister farrakhan.

the good white ones are crazy criminals too, they just blend in better.

i also wish some of the speakers before him didnt address the crowd as “africans.” blacks have been in america for over 400 years. they’re americans. and the last thing a racist wants to hear is one black person saying to another, “hello, americans!” makes it hard for them to say, “why dont you go back to where you came from.”

never thought of that.

but i do think that Blacks should get shown some acknowledgement that slavery existed, helped build this country, was wrong, and that the country as a whole wanted to actually DO something about making it better.

isn’t being the freest country in the world action enough? aren’t 75% of african americans in the middle class? aren’t the civil rights laws good enough?

first of all, until weed is legal, and you can show titties on tv, and say the word titties on the radio, then we shouldn’t be saying how free we are.

okay, hippie.

im serious!

look, theres a school of hotties i gotta hook up with over by anacappa. let this be your last political hallucination. take a risk and start writing about your real life and about the babes that really do knock on your door and the ones you let in. no one else is living that life and no one is gonna think you’re a manwhore just because you get some.

au contraire.

well then f them! how on earth are you supposed to live your life if you do things and not do things based on what a bunch of jealous pea-brained naysayers might think? i thought you were different.

i eat icing right out of the container.

i meant really different.

ok willy, i’ll try to be more honest.

and free!

later, large mammal.

adios my favorite blogger!

and took a super long nap this afternoon cuz my body is getting really old. so here it is now 4am and im up. hi!

at 3am i was up too. and not feeling so swell. who was i chatting with? someone. see, the memory is old too.

oh that’s right, i was chatting with ashley’s friend, jenny. she’s in london and was telling me that she is going to be going back to boston soon and shes a little nervous cuz schools gonna start and she doesnt have an apartment there yet and i said for her to have no fear since im pretty sure my man o-dub will loan her his couch if she needs a place to rest her weary head.

that seemed to soothe her.

but still i wasnt in the best of moods. and then i saw one of the goth twins was online and i asked her if she still hated me.

what happened was, i found her site, wrote about her and her twin sister, was really nice, saying how they were both super gorgeous and how the older one makes a really impressive site and has some cool things to say about stuff. and she put that on her site, but when her sister read it and saw that i have a link to subscribe to maxim and stuff that i must obviously be a sexist, etc. and convinced her sister to not talk with me any more!

so tonight i IMed her and asked if she still hated me.

she said yes.

i said bummer.

she said id get over it.

is it better to have chatted with two super cute young texan goth twins and have them hate you, or never to have chatted at all?

but really, it does suck to be judged negatively so quickly. sexist? as if!

one reason i write about women so much is because i find them fascinating and superior.

you dont?

ashley’s friend, jenny, for example, speaks 15 languages.

it was good talking to her because she was telling me some pretty personal stuff, and i said, do you tell this stuff to everyone, are you that open normally? and she basically said, no, that she trusts me.

imagine that!

when i first started being friends with ashley, jenny didnt approve. i didnt blame her. she said something about being at a teen bar somewhere in europe and getting grossed out by these older guys who would hang out in there. eventually, though, i guess jenny saw that i wasnt some creepy dude, that i was just a regular weirdo, and alls good now.

but at 3am i was still bummed out even though she said nice things to me.

3am, i realized, was usually the hour that ashley would call me. i would be passed out, of course, at that evil hour, like most of america, but she was just getting her second wind, and alone and bored, and would ring me to say sweet things and keep tabs on me.

“who did you go out with?”

“tell me!”

“and what exactly did you do?”

sometimes i would fall asleep and she would mash the buttons on the phone and id say, wha?

i flipped on my aol to see if moxie was around, she wasnt.

and i kept it on as i heated up some peas and opened the french doors to let the breeze come in.

and then i saw a little chat window open up from southern california’s most popular cam girl, Oish!

now Oish had written me a while ago and i wrote her back but never followed up because i didnt really think it was for real.

cam girls dont send emails, they receive them. zillions.

when she got me on the chat tonight i asked her how many hits she gets.

“2k-5k”

a day?

“yes, uniques.”

im pretty happy with the popularity of this blog, and it gets about 500 uniques a day. Oish writes about four paragraphs a day and gets ten times the hits.

moxie asked me yesterday why she gets more hits on the days that she posts less, and i told her that maybe all her guy readers are saying that they prefer a woman who dont talk so damn much.

maybe i am a sexist.

people need to understand that i think its all funny. i have a poster of mariah carey in my bedroom. its called irony. but its also nice to have a poster of mariah carey in your room.

its also nice to discover that our girl Oish is a fan of the busblog and she wanted to say hi.

she said she’d call me on the phone, but her battery was dead.

my phone number, ladies, is ridiculously easy to remember.

you could probably even guess it.

apparently the daisy princess has forgotten it.

anyway, near the end of the chat she said that she really liked my blog!

Oish:i love your site

supertsar7: you do?

supertsar7: thats awesome!

Oish: YEAH!! you write really well

supertsar7: awwww

Oish: I admrie that. I get so sick of boring ‘blogs’ ugh. and you keep yours interesting and intelligent but not so that it makes your audience feel inferior.

magically, i felt better.

The best thing about having your own web site is that you can say whatever you want. I am cool with that, you are you and that is why people visit.

I just hope you don’t think I am a racist bastard just because I am a Republican.

– Kevin Holtsberry

you’d think the guy who has sponsored Blogger Pro for the busblog would have heard this once or twice but apparently i don’t write it enough:

nothing in here is true.

i know it’s a copout. its probably the laziest form of journalism that one could participate in.

but you must admit, it brings about a fair amount of freedom that just might lead to some of what you like in my writing.

do i think Republicans are racist bastards?

let’s see, is david duke a racist bastard? ok, that’s not fair. do i like anyone from the moral majority? rush limbaugh? that old guy from carolina? is big business interested in being successful so that minorities and women can rise up from the production floors and make it into management? aren’t most people who join country clubs republican and don’t most republicans who don’t belong interested in one day being a member, thus fleeing from minorities?

aren’t republicans the ones who are so gung-ho, still, behind this war on drugs and unwilling to admit that its a war that has cost more money than Vietnam and is as equally as unsuccessful, but the casualties are the same: poor minorities, who now populate much of this nation’s jails?

aren’t republicans the ones who hold up Ronald Regan as their big savior even though he traded arms for hostages, brought down the american economy, and paved the way for the Bush family to humiliate themselves again and again?

and aren’t republicans the ones who did everything they could to stop that monster Bill Clinton even though he was incredibly successful at home and abroad, in spite of being dogged for things that the american public didn’t give a hoot about?

other than the only visible Blacks in the Bush administration, what current GOP leaders aren’t entirely full of shit? the former mayor of nyc? ok, that’s one. sen. mccain? well, if the right liked him so much why did they nominate numb nuts?

to me the GOP is a dying party held together only because the Liberals are so splintered, lazy, and too open-minded. the GOP is the only place where you could have David Duke, Pat Buchanan, Bob Dole, Dan Quayle, and JC Watts all claiming to be Republicans and it doesn’t confuse anyone; you could say that Mickey Mouse was a republican and the loyalists would blindly and loyally vote for him, as is evident by our current president.

what, exactly was his plan for america, back then, anyway? and what is it now? blow people up more?

democrats, however, will vote Green, or Libertarian, or Independent, or for Nader, thus fucking up the program for themselves. i should know, in the last elections i voted for reagan, bush, clinton, clinton, and nader.

what do i know?

nothing.

and i couldn’t care less.

a young black man in america cant look to government to help him. nor should he. we voted, here in california, for pot to be legal to people who are sick. but the republican supreme court struck it down. and the democratic leaders didn’t have a hissy fit, so guess what, it stayed struck down because liberals have big hearts but no teeth. theres no eye of the tiger. nobody wants blood.

and guess what, people don’t feel like their vote counts any more.

not when they live in california, or in florida. so that’s two huge states defeated.

and theres ways to overcome this problem, but the rich will figure out a way to destroy that too. they’re old and slow, but they eventually get it together. they have so much to lose if they don’t.

so why bother to fight them?

that’s why i sit here and make shit up, and talk out of my ass, and exaggerate and lie and put up pictures of hot babes who may or may not like me, but odds are they don’t, because just like this post, nothing in here is true.

so no i don’t hate you kevin, or think you’re racist, or a bastard. you paid for my blogger pro. you lived up to one of the promises of conservatism. your party argues that if you give the average man the money that he worked for he will spread it around, either by giving to charities, or investing in new projects — and you did just that.

no government program deemed me worthy of Blogger Pro, you did.

no paperwork or beaurocracy was needed, simply me asking, and you giving. the whole transaction took about an hour, if not quicker. i don’t remember, i was busy emailing some babe.

simple rule of thumb for this blog is this: if you agree with what i write, then it was true, if you don’t, then it was some bs that i wrote in an attempt to be funny.

the only thing that you can count on being true is that im very happy that any of you are reading what i write and that im lucky to have good friends who know a hell of a lot more about life and politics and writing and being successful than i am.

in reality, im a lazy slob who is alone most of the time, who isnt really all that lucky with the ladies, who is far more spiritual than you’d think, and who has a terrible problem with self-esteem and motivation.

and i don’t know shit about politics which is why i don’t write about them.

if nobody read this blog, or if i really produced what i wanted, i would just put up new pictures of ashley every day and write about how i cant believe that she likes me. which she doesn’t. she likes her ex. which is why shes with him right now. instead of with me.

so i hope that clears some things up.

now we can go back to our Replacements weekend.

love,

tony

Let It Be

Twin/Tone Records

“Sixteen Blue”

Drive yourself right up the wall

No one hears and no one calls

It’s a boring state

It’s a useless wait, I know

Brag about things you don’t understand

A girl and a woman, a boy and a man

Everything is sexually vague

Now you’re wondering to yourself

If you might be gay

Your age is the hardest age

Everything drags and drags

One day, baby, maybe help you through

Sixteen blue

Sixteen blue

Drive your ma to the bank

Tell your pa you got a date

You’re lying, now you’re lying on your back

Try to figure out, they wonder what next you’ll pull

You don’t understand anything sexual

I don’t understand

Tell my friends I’m doing fine

Your age is the hardest age

Everything drags and drags

You’re looking funny

You ain’t laughing, are you?

Sixteen blue

Sixteen blue