all the time and i feel bad cuz my email is terrible. i still havent hooked eudora up so im reading everything off my yahoo account and their spam filter is terrible and fuck those of you who dont understand what im talking about when i talk about hits. its not bragging, its putting things in context. guess what you get with that sort of traffic, which by the way isnt even a fraction of the traffic that what some better writers get, you get about 2,500 pieces of spam a day. i really do have to devote a fair amount of time to manage the email flow while trying to pick out the real pieces of mail.

anyway the kids write the best emails. all of it is about picking up girls. just like everything

wait a second.

its two am and 103.1 is playing bastards of young.

dear mexican radio station thats programing this clear channel radio station,

gracias.

so just like in baseball or basketball you have to know the fundamentals. and the first fundamental to getting anything you want in life particularly the attention of the weaker sex is to ignore the first hundred no’s.

and quit asking questions

would you like to go to the fair with me betty? isnt gonna get you to the damn fair.

baby im gonna get off work early on friday and pick your cute little ass up and you know what we’re gonna do

everyone loves a mystery

what?

five o’clock. pick you up here.

but i have a hair appointment.

lalalallala.

but i have to learn how to ski.

theres skiing where we’re going.

its ok to lie if youre asking a girl out.

as long as its funny.

im sorry but really id love to but i cant.

ok, 5:30

and for gods sake dont be yourself.

be someone taller.

3rd Leg + self portrait of a wishing well + kristin

left me a message to tell me he was pretty freaked out and happy. he was telling me that jen had delivered baby stella today.

he didnt mention once that it was also mlk‘s 75th birthday.

so i deleted that shit right away and put in the new corvids cd.

which is now available on Amazon dot com and of course on ken’s website.

like bonnie and charlie, don and jen met at the nexus. just like all of us.

they fell in love and got married in the presidio and far as i can tell have been living happily ever after.

don and i were roommates with layne charlie dan & hickey on haight street when i met my true love.

both jen and don are dynamite writers and excellent people and some believe the secret reason why frisco is still cool.

happy birthday stella, you’re already ahead of the game after picking such kickass parents

and being born on an arguably historic day.

and now that you’ve given us this lovely child, dear Lord, can you please let the cubs get pudge and the professor?

please?

we were there when don and jen got married

sksmith welcomes stella + as does greg vaine

: mariah carey.

cuz she didnt go crazy again.

what label is mariah carey on again? well whoever shes with are wasting their money. that girl needs to get on tv.

shes not in the loop of cool. shes not on the radio. i dont see her on tv. i dont see the paparazzi all over her ass. and as far as i know shes not dating anyone famous.

whoever you are in charge of her success: wtf are you doing?

put aside anything you might think about her and start from what is:

shes hot.

she sings her ass off.

shes rich.

shes single.

right there she should be on mtv even a little bit. and yet i dont see her. why? evanescence is none of those and i hear and see her ass everywhere.

shes the best selling female artists of all time and her latest album charmbracelet debuted at #3 on the wings of one of her strongest songs in quite a while “through the rain”.

shes not the hasbeen.

not yet, at least.

the last single mariah released was a cover of def leppards “bringin’ on the heartache” another in a long line of 80s hits that shes covered over her career. it peaked at #26.

people want to buy mariah carey.

she might be a crazy bitch, but the crazy bitch can sing.

island records, def jam, which ever one of you is lucky enough to have her right now, find her some damn songs to sing.

every girl on the number one show on tv, american idol, would die to sing like mariah carey. and watch how some of them try.

and there she is, the real mariah carey and i havent seen her on tv in what seems like years.

beyonce should pay close attention

just like mariah should have paid attention to whitney.

if i was def jam i would have mariah come out with a billie holiday songbook

show a little class

win a few grammys since theyre practically giving them away nowadays.

and do it before whitney does

or worse

celine.

christina aguelera was the 2003 woman of the year

kate reports on 103.1 today in the LA Weekly! + welch rejoices as well + insideamind

yeah, i know, i cant believe im writing you either.

you have a radio station out here in Los Angeles that makes me very happy. it’s called Independent 103.

and you own it.

you just played Madness “house of fun”, before that you played the Cure “pictures of you”, now youre playing The Smiths.

i heart you.

youve played the Ramones a few times today, the Clash, nirvahnah, temple of the dawg.

last night i caught you playing the Pixies.

you rock the polyphonic spree like crazy and the beasties and soundgarden and im down with that.

so yeah, im in.

and yes, i know youre the devil, but what can i do.

if you cant beat em, you sell out to em, isnt that how it works?

whatever.

what id like to do is write a blog for you. whats a blog? it’s this. what would your blog look like? it would look sorta like this but it would be different.

what it would be would be the story of the radio station that waltzed into the city of angels playing x and rancid and planted the flag for the new alternative.

it would be the daily tale of the radio station that taught kroq that radiohead should get played more.

kroq right now is saying, whats this?

this is what you get.

you want to be independent, 103.1? then get yourself a blog. but better yet get yourself a blogger who will sit around in his board shorts drinking and writing while listening to your radio station.

maybe late night you’ll give me a little radio show where we will all talk about music with the kids.

but right now lets just focus on the blog.

you need one.

actually you dont need nothin. you dont have any djs and thats fine. who needs djs. you do need to lay off the pearl jam. youre playing betterman now which is ok, but how about pearl jam only three times a day. 20 times a day is not ok. k?

i will work for cheap.

i will interview the bands that you play and put it in the blog.

i will make fun of your competition.

i will link to your stream.

i will make you proud.

i will work from home.

hire me clear channel.

hurry.

hur

r

y

our girl kate wrote about this very same topic today in the LA Weekly!

alicia + betsy + mary

now im reconsidering.

theres a super hot chick who says she will get it on with me if i shave off my trademark fro.

i know it’s very samson and delilah but you should see this girl.

thing is i would do it if two or three girls would get it on with me, but one? hardly seems worth it.

last year it took a good 7 months for my fro to grow back. and at 110 years old ive gotten my fair share of tang. some would say more than my fair share. hell, id say more than my fair share.

still, you should see this girl.

today she called me and said, why dont you see if you readers would throw in $500 if you shaved it off and i told her never to disrespect the generosity of my readers again!

although it would be fun to see if people would chip in to see me clean shaven.

what would be the proper payment to completely shave a mans hair from his head?

sex once?

money?

sex twice?

lots of money?

a new tv?

one of those plasma jobbers?

i pretty much have all the worldly posessions a man could want.

i dont know.

i really dont know.

but i do know that the makers of gawker are looking for a travel writer and i also know that splinky is inbetween jobs.

i also know that im seriously considering selling ads for the best new radio station in LA, 103.1 which now streams

first one says i want to make a blog called are you fucking kidding me

shorter one was mexican, hair dyed yellow. not really a mohawk but definitely a ridge across the top a little higher than the rest. piercings on the lip. dickies cut off at the knee. two shirts, leather wrist strap. wallet on a chain. work shoes.

taller one wore lipstick. had a nice rack. giggled and then laughed. a lot. smiled at me when i smiled at her.

they sat down to put their bowling shoes on. the shorter one pulled out a can of bud light out of her jacket pocket after looking around first and then cracked it open

giggly put a straw in it.

i was drinking mgd out of a bottle.

within minutes the dude showed up while they were bowling together and pointed at the abandoned beer can avec bendy straw and said is this yours?

i held up my bottle and took a gulp and the teengirls returned from their gutterball and he questioned them as i went for the fries.

we were in hollywood. holly star lanes on santa monica boulevard. not the best part of town. but it was just then.

the dude left.

the can remained.

the one girl punched the other in the leg right before she was about to throw her ball. the ball rolled into the gutter and the other punched the other in the arm. hard.

they were like teenboys, really, except way cuter.

the shorter one asked me if the dude hassled me i said nah.

it made me wonder if she told the guy that the beer was mine.

i wanted to buy them drinks but i wondered if they were underage then i really wanted to buy them drinks and then the other pulled a second can of miller lite out of her jacket pocket.

they put the straw in the new can and wrestled in their seats. one holding ones head and fake-biting a huge chunk out of her thick head.

before i knew it their game was over, half their can of beer had spilled over as the only loser of the punching fight wrestling match. they took off their shoes and walked over to the snack bar.

and then me and john woo and travis k smiley could finally concentrate on our form.

in peace.

alone.

until three lesbians walked into a bowling alley.

they were black and this was true.

i couldnt be happy without splinky

i linked your ass a long time ago, but that’s not why i’m emailing. i just wanted to say thanks for the link the other day, and to apologize for something i said on your comments a long time ago.

i believe i said i wouldn’t donate any money to your flowage for some ass reason, but you being the cool guy that you are didn’t rip me, you just offered up your opinion, or something along those lines.

i’ve recently had a perspective changing experience in my life, along with a little growing up, and i believe differently now.

over the course of my blog perusing the last few months, i’ve seen complete strangers offer up all sorts of different gifts, from hand-made hats, to cookies, to cd’s, to books, and probably a ton of other stuff i missed.

at last glance, it looks like you were up to 78 out of your goal of 1600. the old me might have tried to call bullshit, and ask if you’re really saving this money for a car. the new me says who cares if you are or not, it’s up to the individual if they want to believe it is or not. and while i can’t personally account for the remaining amount all at once, i will be contributing to the cause.

if you could just reply (i know you’re busy, and if i don’t get a response, it won’t bother me) and let me know how much paypal takes out for the donation so i can make it an even amount, that would be great.

and of course, love the site.

hope you get the time to read this.

vladmir

+++++++++++++

Dear Vlad,

thanks for the kind words.

OF COURSE i will be using the flowage to the car fund for a car. sheesh.

i know that “nothing in here is true” but thats true. i would be kicked off the internet as the biggest bullshitter of all if i did anything inappropriate with those funds.

the car fund experiment is one of my favorite little things about the busblog.

for those of you who dont know, i am trying to see how long it takes to get $20k for a new car off my blog.

its an art project science fair experiment of sorts.

if you look on the left hand side of my blog you will see the names of the people who have already flowed the blog. and if someone flows that day i will include their number with a link to their blog somewhere in a post.

79. sara

80. august mueller

if it takes 20 years to get the ride then we will know that it takes 20 years. hopefully it will take less.

i dont talk about the flow that often cuz i dont want to bore you with it and i dont want this thing to be an ongoing pledge drive, but i do like the experiment cuz its a super long term thing and people hardly ever do super long term things in blogs.

as for PayPal, thanks for concerning yourself with it, but generally you shouldnt. its cool. however, just so you know Paypal takes about eighty cents out of each $20 flow.

thanks!

Tony

james + bunnie mac + planet sara

but i bet he was called lots of other names.

pabby.

so.

cass.

with initials like mine, you can imagine the nicknames i was called.

tp never bothered me much.

when they would just straight up calling me Toilet Paper, well that was interesting.

but being the only black kid in school for most of my life, the n word was tossed around from time to time.

strangely that never bothered me much either.

names dont bother me. words dont bother me. very little bothers me.

the cubs and their mediocrity bothers me.

people who believe a president who has obvious personal agendas sorta bother me, but not much.

people who stand next to each other in escalators annoy me way more than pretty much anything nowadays.

if you really want to get me in a pissy mood, clog the escalator in the morning and look at the ceiling. maybe turn around and say “cubs suck.”

in other news i went bowling last night and flirted with some lesbians.

only bowled a 137.

i was only sorta drunk.

afterwards i slurred loveable words to my truest and she giggled. i told her that no offense to anyone else but i have yet to feel a connection to another person like what i feel with her.

she said she felt the same thing.

i said lets go to britneys chapel in vegas and get hitched.

she said what about the paparazzi.

i sad f the poppies.

she said what about the maloof brothers.

i said f them too.

she said what about the fact i dont feel that way about you any more.

i said, hmmm.

then she told me she had quit smoking thanks to an out of date book that karisa got her.

and i fell for her even deeper.

malatemail + janelle + true

are getting the wrong impression about me on the internet. and since im too lazy to make an About section to summarize whatever it is that should be summarized in a smart and tidy little witty way let me just do it the way that we always do it here which is of course long and drawn out.

i should have probably been drowned when i was born but life isnt fair and ta da here i am for you.

im the greatest employee. im hardly ever sick, i get along with pretty much everyone who isnt a total jagoff, i dont mind working late, im completely versitile and im ridiculously loyal even if being paid an insulting wage.

i keep a nice-looking desk, im bubbling full of genius ideas, i ride the bus to work and i thoughorly wash my hands after i pinch a loaf.

at home i am a dirty, filthy, reclusive 110 year old man totally addicted to the internet, televised american sports, porn, bleeding-edge technology, and popular music videos. my sex drive peaked years ago. my eating habits have stabalized. my rum drinking is certifiably under control. but my mansion is usually cluttered, stuffy, and riddled with lust.

i have lived long enough to learn that the people you need to impress are already impressed with you, and those who will never be impressed should be utterly ignored.

focus on your mother.

would she be happy with what youre doing?

big picture.

for that reason i never became a porn star, a drug dealer, or a congressman, even though i know i would have succeeded in mythological ways. sure my mom would have been proud that i was best in my field, but it was best in a field of shit.

but ultimately, your mom will always be proud of you, so quit sucking freuds dick and get on with your own life

your

life.

yours.

good bands focus on the crowd at hand.

its not about selling a zillion records in new zealand.

it’s about making the people in the house dance.

i hate phonies. i hate liars. call me anything you want but you cant call me a liar. and if i lied let me know immediately and we will clean that shit up pronto as in pronto as in now motherfucker, now.

i know im not the most easy man to always deal with and for that reason i am most grateful in life to the women who have not only put up with my dumbass bullshit but then knealt down before me

if theres anyone who knows i dont deserve shit, not even the three squares and a roof that i would get in the joint, its me, but that doesnt mean that i should bullshit anyone in my daily walk, especially those who happen to stumble across this little sand in the hourglass.

i get a thousand hits a day on this blog. its more than lots. but its not even close to some. and even if i got more than everyone i would still keep it real as in really real as in really though because keeping it real is why we love nwa and angus young and bob dylan and why we hate as in HATE people who try to bullshit us.

because this is what bullshitting is

its one person saying

you are too fucking stupid to know that im bullshitting you right now so here it is.

the lies dont insult me, it’s the part of me that you thought you could capitalize on.

which is exactly the part that i play keep away with the nba cheerleaders who often frequent my bachelor pad.

im a man full of love. bubbling over. but also steaming of hate. my hate has no end.

i hate people who cant think for themselves and make decisions off shit they Know makes no sense. i hate people who think a blowjob in the oval office is truly something to impeach someone over. i hate people who dont think precisely as i do and i hate people who dont know that i know that nobody thinks precisely as i do.

i hate newspapers which seduced me and then just as quickly all sold out. all.

i hate radio which was once my salvation but now is nothing but a way for the devil to make me hate from a deeper place, dare i say Special place.

i can run for hours. i can spit straight between my front teeth. im deeply religous. i drink red labeled whole fresh milk.

im a great bowler. im a lazy but skillful lover. im a dull but loyal boyfriend. and im the worst enemy of all time.

but mostly im just an american man slowly aging

and who will one day

before you know it

be dead.

but not gone.

cuz nothing good really goes away.

and as little self esteem i have,

i know that im good

if only at writing on this faggy little bullshit blog.

sk smith + jaime + d.lo